


A Matter of Perspective

by QueenBoudica



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Daily Prophet, F/F, Gen, Humor, Lesbian Character, Muggles, Police, Tasers, Wizards, muggles are awesome, no teapots were harmed in the making of this fanfiction, seriously FUCK wizards, they could've killed voldemort in a hot second if anyone asked them to, wizards are fucking stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-26 20:44:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12066654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenBoudica/pseuds/QueenBoudica
Summary: On the morning of June 3rd, two very different headlines appear on two very different newspapers for two very different audiences:The Daily ProphetCalamity Strikes Again! Death Eater Attacks Helpless MugglesThe TelegraphMan in Darth Vader Cosplay Enters Shop, Destroys LampIn which a Death Eater gets his ass kicked by a muggle and a little old lady, wizards are stupid, muggles aren't, and Rosa has the best girlfriend ever





	A Matter of Perspective

**Author's Note:**

> Let's be real, y'all. Wizards are not incredibly smart. If it were muggles, someone would just shoot Voldemort in the face and he'd die. Yeah, he's got horcruxes, but it took him like ten years to come back as the back of someone's head, and he didn't come back for real for another three years. And, if no one found all the horcruxes (in the entire DECADE they had), they could just shoot him again.  
> Now they have another ten years to fix their mess and leave the people who've gone to space alone; wizards can't even use pencils.
> 
> Anyway, let the record state that I know nothing about London police and even less about London cafes so sorry about that.

**Daily Prophet**  
Calamity Strikes Again! Death Eater Attacks Helpless Muggles

The day of June 2nd brought great sorrow for muggles and wizards alike as a muggle cough-ee shop was targeted by a Death Eater. Authorities were alerted to this tragedy when a nearby squib called to report a man “dressed sort of like Darth Vayder, but not that committed, ‘cause he wasn’t wearing a helmet; he just had a black hood.” When asked to expand on her report, she said that he “might’ve been going for a Palpatine sort of look, but he had neither the aura of evil or the classic elegance to pull it off.” 

As readers with NEWTS in Muggle Studies may know, Darth Vayder is a fearsome muggle, notorious for his villainy. It becomes unfortunately clear that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and his followers must have more knowledge of the muggles than was previously thought, if they knew the one person to impersonate who would have the biggest psychological impact on those poor, defenseless muggles. 

Sources report that after the Death Eater entered the muggle residence, loud explosions were heard, followed quickly by the sound of crashing and dinnerware being broken. Soon after, witnesses report that they saw a blinding light and heard a loud scream. “It was terrifying,” said Millie Waters when pressed for comment. “It sounded like someone was being subjected to the cruciatus curse,” she elaborated, shuddering. “Needless to say, I apparated out of there as quickly as I could, but before I left, I saw muggle aurors coming to try to help the victims in the shop. I’m sure the Death Eater killed them all too, because they didn’t have any weapons capable of stopping magic.” At this point in her testimony, Waters was wiping tears from her eyes. “I feel so bad for those poor muggles who came to help, only to meet their unfortunate demise as well,” her words expressing a sentiment that’s shared by hundreds of wizards over the countless bloody months of this war. 

The Department of Magical Law Enforcement released a statement explaining why they declined to come to the aid of those poor creatures cursed with the inability to perform magic. A spokesperson stated that they weren’t alerted in time to help because “the muggles were dead meat the moment the Death Eater showed up; there was no way anyone was making it out of there alive.” When pressed for further comment, the spokesperson reminded everyone that the aurors are already busy taking bets on which Death Eater was going to escape next, and reporters could direct any further inquiries they had to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement’s legal division.

 

**The Telegraph**  
Man in Darth Vader Cosplay Enters Shop, Destroys Lamp

It was just another morning for the patrons of the Black Cat Café in Northern London yesterday morning: patrons were chatting, eating, and mooching off of the free Wi-Fi—you know who you are—when an disturbance took place; one which the more discerning reader might deem rather... odd. According to witnesses, a tall figure in black strode in, brandishing a stick-like object and blowing up a lamp. 

According to young eyewitness Ianto Evans (17), the events were “fucking wicked.” Continuing, Mr. Evans enthused: “there was this weirdo in black pajamas pointin’ this stick everywhere like it was actually gonna do something.” Additionally, Evans claims, the man was “talking mad shit” including “ranting about blood and... bubbles? Puggles?” Unsure what the man’s actual words were, due to his general lack of coherency, Evans confirms that the man was “kinda vague.” 

While expressing his (assumed) disdain, the man gesticulated wildly with his stick-holding arm, an action immediately followed by the sudden and explosive demise of a lamp on the counter. Shards of glass flew everywhere, miraculously failing to damage anything (or anyone) of importance. The man allegedly continued yelling and flailing, but before he could take further action, he was stopped by the teapot that Gloria McKinnley (67) hurled at his head. “Not gonna lie, I kinda felt bad for the guy,” Evans said. “Gloria gets real mean when anyone tries to get in between her and her Earl Grey. I guess this poor bastard didn’t know that, and he suffered the consequences.” 

The attacker was still reeling from what was probably a concussion—sources reported that “it turns out that Mrs. McKinnley’s got a mean arm”—when off-duty police officer Daisy Xia (37) “lit him up like a Christmas tree,” said Evans, referring to the act of her tazing the man from behind. If the suspect hadn’t been sufficiently incapacitated by the blunt force trauma before, the medical examiner noted, the 50,000 volts administered to his spinal column certainly did the trick and he collapsed onto the floor. Xia “had him cuffed in under a minute.”

After the attacker was restrained and unconscious, Officer Xia called for backup before sitting back down at her table to continue her date because she’d “be damned if [she] was gonna let some lunatic with a stick fetish take away from [her] time with [her] girlfriend (Rosa Santos, 34).” 

Once more police officers had arrived , a spokesperson confirmed that yes, the suspect was being taken into custody; no, he hadn’t woken up yet, because he’d both been given a concussion and electrocuted in under ten seconds; and that they weren’t considering charging McKinnley with assault, because “only an idiot gets between Gloria and her tea.”

Witnesses present at the event were mostly unfazed, Owen Palmer (52) wondering “just what it is with terrorists these days,” and Amira Blake (7) complaining that while “it was cool when the light exploded,” it was “kinda anticlimactic” and she wished she’d at least gotten to see Mrs. McKinnley throw something again. 

In regards to the exploded lamp, Jaime (35) and Alex (41) Miller, the owners of the café, were “not that torn up about it,” since “it was a present from [Alex’s] brother and we kept it because we felt like we should, but it was a bit hideous if we’re being honest.” Sources later reported that said brother was considering buying them a new one to replace its fallen predecessor. At press time, it has been unconfirmed whether or not said lamp has indeed been purchased, but both Millers say that, to their misfortune, it is likely that it has.

When reached out to for comment, Xia and Santos gave none, save for Santos declaring that she had “the best girlfriend in the world.”

**Author's Note:**

> Every time I reread the series, I'm struck at how much incompetence there is in the Ministry of Magic. Like, figuratively ANY country in the world would've ended this war waaay faster than the wizards did.
> 
> Also I know that English cops didn't commonly carry tasers in the nineties or the seventies, but guess what, Darth Vader existed in both of them so it's whichever war you want it to be, yay!


End file.
